A Soul That Wanders

Those moments when you just get randomly depressed. It doesn’t have to have a reason. It doesn’t have to have a cause. It just kinda happens. When you suffer from depression, a lot of the time it just sneaks up on you. And the worst part about it, is that it affects the ones around you, too. That’s one reason why it makes you feel like you have to be alone, cause that way, no one can hurt you and you can’t hurt anyone else. I really know that feeling all too well. I’ve had people try really hard to be my friend or to get me to open up, but lately I just push them away and I don’t give them a chance. I didn’t used to be like that. I used to be so open to new things and I rushed in to everything. Now I’m just..scared. It really isn’t right to be this scared of people. To feel safer being back in your room on your computer or whatever, not involved in any socializing. I really am trying so hard. I’m trying to be strong. I just keep getting more and more angry and depressed every day. I don’t give people chances anymore because I’m too afraid of what might happen. I don’t wanna be like this. The bad thing is, when I do finally cave and let people have a chance, they break my heart or betray me. One minute they’ll say I’m a great person, then the next they never wanna talk to me again, every time. Do you know what that feels like? You let people in, that you think you can trust, and you start to. Then they judge you for it and kick you to the curb, directly after promising you they wouldn’t. I’m just meant to be alone, I guess. At least I’m safer this way.

I don’t really know what’s going on, but lately my emotions are just so.. whacky. I keep thinking of Mary and all the things we did together. She used to get so excited when she saw me or talked to me. I saw it in her eyes, they lit up, or in her voice, it shook with shyness. I miss that so much. I don’t know where I went wrong, or if I even went wrong at all.

I just want someone to love. That’s it. But at the same time I’m just so scared to try. There’s plenty of beautiful girls around here, but if there’s anything I’ve learned is that a beautiful rose usually has a bunch of thorns. I don’t care what she looks like or what she’s done, I just want someone loyal and faithful.

And of course naturally people think “ope it’s always the guy’s fault!” so when I try to talk to someone about it, I get told about all these supposedly wrong things I’m doing when I’m not even doing them. I have always put my love interestfirst. Nothing has ever come before any of them, except God. And I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna change my personality to fit what someone does or doesn’t like, because then it’s not me.

I’m sorry. It seems like I say that a lot, but I mean it. I really am so sorry. I can’t even put it in words enough. For everything I’ve done wrong, for every heart I may have accidentally shattered. I’ve always, always had good intentions, I was just young and stupid, I didn’t know what I was doing or what any of it meant. I’ve had so many chances and opportunities, but I took none of them and it really sucks. When I was 16 I looked pretty alright I think, and a girl or two even asked me out, but I told them no because I was waiting for someone else, for something that never happened. I was so stupid. I trust so blindly and love so blindly. I move too fast and say too much. I’m insecure. I’m somewhat of an idiot when it comes to this stuff. I do this stupid half-smile thing and when I blush I involuntarily put my hand on my neck. My point is that a lot of the things I do, are just reflex actions. Kind of a knee-jerk thing after so much brokenness. My life is nothing like I thought it would be by now and it’s a lot to take in. I’m hurt so much lately and yet everyone expects me to just get up and move on like I’m fine, but I’m not. I am not fine.

I’m so sorry, to everyone. For being such a loser and for screwing everything up. I know there’s a lot of stuff I’m not good at, I’m bad at most things, love being one of those. There is nothing about me that stands out, I don’t think. I like trying to impress girls, it’s fun, but I never get any results. Whenever I do get the confidence, it’s hard to hold on to.

Ugh. I wanna be strong and supportive but it’s just so hard. I’m so angry and depressed lately. I don’t know if it’s the heat, or what. I dunno what’s wrong with me.

I know your teenage years are hard, believe me I do. There’s so many new emotions, most of them painful, and you don’t know how to process or handle them. But nothing’s over yet. You all still have a long life to live, don’t give up on any of it. Teenage years are nowhere near the best years of your life. Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m a 22 year old who can’t understand teenagers. But don’t feel that way, because believe me, I know how that felt all too well. Things do get better. And I’m not just speaking to the girls, I’m talking to the guys, too. Sure, call me whipped. Call me a wimp. I don’t care, not one bit. Fear is just not something I let get the better of me, and you shouldn’t either.

I wasted my teenage years chasing after something I never even got. I didn’t move on til I was 19, and I’d started chasing it at 11. Don’t be like that. Don’t be like me. It will make you crazy. And the biggest, most suckish thing, is the amount of regrets you’ll have, and how much you’ll wish you can go back and fix everything. Searching for happiness will get you nowhere, but believing you already have it will give you true solace. Just focus on yourself right now. If you’re a Christian, like myself, then focus on God first.

I’ve had a rough past. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I had my ways of coping. They didn’t always work, but life is a battle that’s never over. Not in this world, at least. You have to keep fighting. Stop thinking about the easy way out. There’s no need to blow out that candle. Someone, somewhere, loves you. Don’t give me that “yeah right” look, either. I was like that. I was the lonely nerd that students and teachers picked on, the guy who couldn’t get a date or even talk to a pretty girl. You have to stop reading the same page over and over again, and move on to the next chapter. You’re not done, not yet. The best is always yet to come. Tomorrow’s a very special day: the first day of the rest of your life. Dream as if you’ll live forever, but don’t live like you’ll die tomorrow. That’s not how it works. Sure, live to the fullest. I highly encourage that. But don’t pretend like you don’t have anymore days after this. That’s depressing.

Just put all your old days behind you. That’s not giving up, it’s starting over. You’re a brand new you, today. Go out and show the world, shout from the mountain tops, that today, is YOUR day. You are not alone. Ever.

Believe it or not I’ve actually found someone who likes me for me. She shows me things like I never knew them to be. Every day and night, she’s all I see. To make it short, she set me free. And that’s the best way to be. Look for the beauty within, okay? The outside doesn’t matter. This body is just a rental. Be yourself, don’t ever change anything about yourself for anyone. If they can’t love you for you, then they are the ones that need to change.

Love is out there. Don’t worry.

You can try all you want. I don’t care how hard you try. I will always be me. I will always be unbreakable. My heart is not a toy and I’m sick of people playing with it. You cannot make me stop believing. You cannot make me stop loving. You cannot take away my forgiveness. You cannot take away my faith. I am devoted to what I love. And I love what I’m devoted to.

I’m not your average, every-day human, no sir. I have God on my side, and so much love and protection surrounding me. I have supernatural protection. I will do anything in my power to make things right. And if it’s not in my power, I talk to God about it. He does not let me down.

So go ahead, shake me, break me. You can’t.

I’m not that nerdy kid that everyone made fun of anymore. No, now I’m a man, and I will spread the goodness and light throughout the world.