Just getting some crap off my chest..

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Stop.

Just stop. You’re not forever alone. As hard as that is to believe, and as hard as it is for someone like me to say, you’re not. You can’t coax through life feeling safe all the time. We have to take risks. We have to break the rules every now and again. Look at me, for example. I’m a country boy but I pale in comparison to most other guys my age and I feel much less than I should, but I don’t let it stop me. People laugh at me, they call me names. I just let them. This past year and a half, I’ve been living emotionless, and now I’m putting it to an end. Ultimately, the person that decides my emotions, is me. All I need to do is put God in my life and the rest will follow suit.

So I’m not too tall (5’8”), I don’t have a six-pack of abs. I barely have any money at all, I drive a truck but it’s not all jacked up and specialized because I can’t afford it to be. I live off of what I can, nature is my best friend. Oh, I’ve heard the flaws. I’ve heard people talk about the many things wrong with me. Let them. I refuse to change myself to fit anyone else’s standards, because I have standards too, and they matter. I’m not some guy that’s after every piece of ass I can find, I don’t even care about that. I hold on to my beliefs and to who I am for a purpose: some day the right girl WILL come along, and she’ll love ME, and not what society turned me into. I’m so poor right now and there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t even afford to go to college for two quarters now because gas is too much and my classes cost too much right now. So needless to say, I’m not very “attractive,” or “desirable.”

Let me tell you something, people. I may not look like much. I may seem like a mistake, and you know what? I am. But I promise you, if you stick with me, I’m the best mistake you’ll ever make. I am always going to stay who I am and I am always going to believe in what I believe. That’s home to me. That’s how I was raised. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t care if anyone sees me different than who I really am, because I know who I am, and God does too.

I need to start loving myself again. You need to love yourself too. We’ve gotta stop playing these little games with people and letting them control OUR emotions. We CAN decide when we’re happy. You just realize that instead of going out and finding happiness, that you already have it. It’s just been waiting for you.

All you need is love, that’s true. But you know where that starts? It’s not with your partner/crush. It’s with your family. THEY are what matters in the end, because no matter what, no one can ever take them away from you. That’s what true love is. Something you never once have to be unsure about. Stop running from home. Stop running from yourself. Stop avoiding the mirror. Stop complaining about how you look.

None of that matters. People say it does because we’ve been tricked and fooled into thinking that we have to look pretty to be beautiful. Don’t let anyone do that to you. You’re perfect the way you are. Even if that person has a lot of enemies. Having enemies means you stood up for something, it’s a life you can hang your hat on. I stand up for what’s right. You’ve got to stand for something, or you’ll fall for everything.

I am me, and that’s all I’ll ever be. Take it or leave it.

I don’t really know what’s going on, but lately my emotions are just so.. whacky. I keep thinking of Mary and all the things we did together. She used to get so excited when she saw me or talked to me. I saw it in her eyes, they lit up, or in her voice, it shook with shyness. I miss that so much. I don’t know where I went wrong, or if I even went wrong at all.

I just want someone to love. That’s it. But at the same time I’m just so scared to try. There’s plenty of beautiful girls around here, but if there’s anything I’ve learned is that a beautiful rose usually has a bunch of thorns. I don’t care what she looks like or what she’s done, I just want someone loyal and faithful.

And of course naturally people think “ope it’s always the guy’s fault!” so when I try to talk to someone about it, I get told about all these supposedly wrong things I’m doing when I’m not even doing them. I have always put my love interestfirst. Nothing has ever come before any of them, except God. And I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna change my personality to fit what someone does or doesn’t like, because then it’s not me.

I’m sorry. It seems like I say that a lot, but I mean it. I really am so sorry. I can’t even put it in words enough. For everything I’ve done wrong, for every heart I may have accidentally shattered. I’ve always, always had good intentions, I was just young and stupid, I didn’t know what I was doing or what any of it meant. I’ve had so many chances and opportunities, but I took none of them and it really sucks. When I was 16 I looked pretty alright I think, and a girl or two even asked me out, but I told them no because I was waiting for someone else, for something that never happened. I was so stupid. I trust so blindly and love so blindly. I move too fast and say too much. I’m insecure. I’m somewhat of an idiot when it comes to this stuff. I do this stupid half-smile thing and when I blush I involuntarily put my hand on my neck. My point is that a lot of the things I do, are just reflex actions. Kind of a knee-jerk thing after so much brokenness. My life is nothing like I thought it would be by now and it’s a lot to take in. I’m hurt so much lately and yet everyone expects me to just get up and move on like I’m fine, but I’m not. I am not fine.

I’m so sorry, to everyone. For being such a loser and for screwing everything up. I know there’s a lot of stuff I’m not good at, I’m bad at most things, love being one of those. There is nothing about me that stands out, I don’t think. I like trying to impress girls, it’s fun, but I never get any results. Whenever I do get the confidence, it’s hard to hold on to.

Ugh. I wanna be strong and supportive but it’s just so hard. I’m so angry and depressed lately. I don’t know if it’s the heat, or what. I dunno what’s wrong with me.

Why do I always fall in love with a back-stabbing bitch?

It’s like “Oops, sorry, didn’t mean for my back to hurt your knife”

I know your teenage years are hard, believe me I do. There’s so many new emotions, most of them painful, and you don’t know how to process or handle them. But nothing’s over yet. You all still have a long life to live, don’t give up on any of it. Teenage years are nowhere near the best years of your life. Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m a 22 year old who can’t understand teenagers. But don’t feel that way, because believe me, I know how that felt all too well. Things do get better. And I’m not just speaking to the girls, I’m talking to the guys, too. Sure, call me whipped. Call me a wimp. I don’t care, not one bit. Fear is just not something I let get the better of me, and you shouldn’t either.

I wasted my teenage years chasing after something I never even got. I didn’t move on til I was 19, and I’d started chasing it at 11. Don’t be like that. Don’t be like me. It will make you crazy. And the biggest, most suckish thing, is the amount of regrets you’ll have, and how much you’ll wish you can go back and fix everything. Searching for happiness will get you nowhere, but believing you already have it will give you true solace. Just focus on yourself right now. If you’re a Christian, like myself, then focus on God first.

I’ve had a rough past. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I had my ways of coping. They didn’t always work, but life is a battle that’s never over. Not in this world, at least. You have to keep fighting. Stop thinking about the easy way out. There’s no need to blow out that candle. Someone, somewhere, loves you. Don’t give me that “yeah right” look, either. I was like that. I was the lonely nerd that students and teachers picked on, the guy who couldn’t get a date or even talk to a pretty girl. You have to stop reading the same page over and over again, and move on to the next chapter. You’re not done, not yet. The best is always yet to come. Tomorrow’s a very special day: the first day of the rest of your life. Dream as if you’ll live forever, but don’t live like you’ll die tomorrow. That’s not how it works. Sure, live to the fullest. I highly encourage that. But don’t pretend like you don’t have anymore days after this. That’s depressing.

Just put all your old days behind you. That’s not giving up, it’s starting over. You’re a brand new you, today. Go out and show the world, shout from the mountain tops, that today, is YOUR day. You are not alone. Ever.

Believe it or not I’ve actually found someone who likes me for me. She shows me things like I never knew them to be. Every day and night, she’s all I see. To make it short, she set me free. And that’s the best way to be. Look for the beauty within, okay? The outside doesn’t matter. This body is just a rental. Be yourself, don’t ever change anything about yourself for anyone. If they can’t love you for you, then they are the ones that need to change.

Love is out there. Don’t worry.

http://tatteredandbrokenheart.tumblr.com

This blog is purely for asking for advice with problems in your life, primarily depression and things of the like. I will still be using this one, I’ll just be checking my other one now too. So if you ever have any issues, click on the Asketh Away link. I’ll try to answer legitimate questions, anon or not. I understand that some life issues don’t want to be made public so remaining private is totally okay. Rude questions and comments will be ignored and I will not say anything back because I don’t care about that kind of stuff.

So, I hope to see you there. If you ever have any issues or just a simple question, come to me. Also, if you want me to answer privately, say so. I don’t intend to make every post public so that’s not an issue either. If it seems a bit too personal I’ll also keep it private. Otherwise though I answer publicly so other members of my viewing audience can more easily find an answer to what may be bugging them.

I will not make fun of you, and I will not judge you. I don’t do trolling and I don’t say things like “lol dude ur life sux” because that’s just inhumane and immature. Some troll questions I may or may not answer depending on if I find them funny or not, not a lot of them though. One on Yahoo! Answers I saw one time was “Why do I have an arm growing out of my forehead?” and I laughed so hard that I’m pretty sure one of my kidneys came lose.

This blog is meant to be encouraging only. The only depressive stuff I’ll post are just answers to questions that pertain to such things. Don’t ever be afraid to ask me one single thing. If you think it’s too depressing, don’t. I will answer it. I just mean that I’m not going to post those images and quotes that make you feel sad because that has the opposite effect.

So yeah, I’m here. If you ever need anything, let me know.

My heart is beating
But I’m barely breathing
These voices tell me I’m no good
But it takes a man to stand where I stood

Ain’t it funny how we used to be so close
You said we had a love that glimmered more than most
While you’re out there lovin’ on him, I’m one of your hangers
And yeah I miss the days, when we weren’t perfect strangers

My soul aches for you but I know that it’s too late
You seem to be happy, and I think that’s great
But then there’s that part of me
That would love to just be seen

Ain’t it funny how we used to be so close
You said we had a love that glimmered more than most
While you’re out there lovin’ on him, I’m one of your hangers
And yeah I miss the days, when we weren’t perfect strangers

Was everything you said to me a lie?
How could you just sit there, and watch it all go by?
I have my stronger days, but mostly I’m still torn
You can’t hurt me now, no I’m already worn

Ain’t it funny how we used to be so close
You said we had a love that glimmered more than most
While you’re out there lovin’ on him, I’m one of your hangers
And yeah I miss the days, when we weren’t perfect strangers

When you’re holding him, do you ever think of me?
Is there a part of you, that wonders what we could be?
While I’m in the back of your mind
You’re always in front of mine

Ain’t it funny how we used to be so close
You said we had a love that glimmered more than most
While you’re out there lovin’ on him, I’m one of your hangers
And yeah I miss the days, when we weren’t perfect strangers

Perfect strangers

Yeah, we’re perfect strangers now

A song I wrote, applies to some girls in my past. Can be interpreted in a lot of ways I guess. This song IS copyrighted. I do plan to record it and post a sample of it soon, so just expect that I guess. I have to get over this cold first though, otherwise my voice will sound like I swallowed a woodchipper. But anyways, reply or tell me in my “whisper box” if you liked it. :)

Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel that every passing moment is worthless? I have family, I have friends, I’m about to be in college, soon I’ll be living with my aunt and soon-to-be uncle. A lot of problems in my life are fixed. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like knives are being stuck into my heart?

I feel so alone. No matter how many friends or family are around me, I still feel alone. I try my best to be happy, I really do. Way more than anyone thinks. Maybe I feel this way because I’m so horrible at love, and love is what I base my life around. I’ve always told myself that it’s not me, that these things that happen aren’t my fault. But everything that happens to me is my fault.

I don’t know what to do, or how to get rid of this ache. I feel like even if I did have love, I wouldn’t know what to do. Kinda like a speeding car where the steering wheel doesn’t work, just imagine it with an auto-pilot that glitches up every now and again and wrecks into other cars. Lately I’ve been helping people, and not just my friends. I’ve been searching for strangers who have broken hearts, and just talking to them. I’ve actually made them happier. I made them feel better, because they weren’t alone anymore. How crazy is that? That I can figure out a perfect stranger’s problems, but not my own.

I believe there’s so much light, so much love in me, more than regular people. It’s like a gift, I think. But it doesn’t feel like one sometimes. It’s hard to hold on to your love when all it’s ever been is abused. You tell yourself you can’t do it anymore, that the world would not be able to function without you, so you consider withdrawing so people can see. Or sometimes it’s as simple as “the world would be better without me,” which I’ve been there too. I do believe I’m a good person, but it’s like my life disagrees with me.

I’m not perfect, I make a lot of mistakes. It doesn’t make me a bad person or anything. I just feel like no one really has faith in me anymore. Like, they say they do, but they don’t really mean it. I don’t deserve it. I’m not good enough. I’ve always felt “below” everyone else, especially other males, like I’m the omega of the pack, so-to-speak. I operate more like a lone wolf, I guess. There’s just something that makes me feel.. out of the ordinary, like an outcast. I don’t even know what it is. I just feel like a worthless person.

But the thing is, I know I’m not. It’s just confusing because like, my family and some friends tell me I’m this like, wonderful person. Yet, things come harder for me. So many people tell me about everything wrong with me, about how I’m some like.. clueless person. I don’t know what to think.