Alright… so I know I posted this already the other day (after MUCH fighting with Tumblr mobile), but I’m posting it again because I’m just really happy with how my body’s turning out. When I graduated high school, I had no muscle. I was startin to get kinda fat. Later on I did get pretty overweight. It was disgusting, I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I was embarrassed on a daily basis. One of those personal battles I had to get through. When I turned 19 though… damn. Now, puberty started late for me. In school I was always the little scrawny kid. I mean, I had NO muscle. I was literally skin and bones. That’s it. Honestly.. and I’m not tryin to be gross.. but the only thing I’ve always been secure about has been my uh.. yeah. That. But I guess that’s a guy thing. Never really been too secure about much else. But that’s a story for another time. Anyway when I turned 19, a lot happened. Man, I started growing like crazy. Everywhere. I was like holy shit… why is this happening. lmfao. I started working out, eating better, finally got my learner’s permit in 2010 (then my license a year later), let go of my past, started doin more stuff outside… and I’ve been a changed man ever since. And I had another personal battle to go through during all of this… My anger had really gotten the better of me. I was out of control. I had it with people. I was done being a nice guy. I legit did not give a single fuck anymore. And I ain’t proud of none of it. I would get mad at God. I would yell at Him and blame Him for everything that went wrong in my life. Then I’d hate myself for it later and apologize. Finally I started goin to church again… and oh my God. I started bawling on the very first day, when that song came on with the “I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain,” and the last part just hit me. Hard. Right in the stomach. Ever since that day, I’ve been different. Every time I went, I walked away with something new. A better outlook on life. I let go of the devils and the demons that were holding me down. See, when you’re depressed and angry at the world, you tend to hold on to those things because they make you feel safe and familiar. But really all they’re doing is hurting and feeding off of you. There was this girl that I fell in love with when I was 11, that I’d known since I was 8. When she moved after four years, with me never getting a chance to tell her how I felt, I was heartbroken. My first heartbreak was not an easy one, my friends. But it taught me a lot. It taught me the value of saying goodbye. It taught me how to move on from pain and embrace the good out of it. Sometimes it’s hard… but that’s life. You should never feel ashamed of yourself or blame yourself for not being good enough. That’s a waste of time. Anyway, after she moved, I spent the next ten years writing her love letters. I missed so many opportunities in life because I told her I’d wait for her. Ten years. Finally in September of 2009 I just told myself I was done. She rubbed her boyfriend in my face (had him message me even), and I was just done. I let her go finally. And, damn, that did somethin to me. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. It’s amazing how much your past can hold you down sometimes. It can keep you from being who you’re supposed to be, and keep you from seeing the things that you need to see. I just became a different guy. Ever since then I’ve been working out and just making progress everywhere I go. I finally can take my shirt off and not feel insecure about it. You look at that picture, you just see a guy holding a gun. There’s so much in this picture though. There’s confidence. There’s happiness. There’s contentment. There’s faith. There’s just so much here. I stand tall because of the battles I’ve had to weather, and the things I’ve had to face. Not a lot of people would have even survived what I have. The things I’ve mentioned in this post… that was only maybe an 8th of what I’ve had to deal with in my life. I’ve dealt with so much worse. Horrible, terrible things that will truly make you believe that monsters are real. I’ve dealt with a lot of loss and heartbreak. I’ve dealt with a lot of broken promises and humiliation. I used to lead people. I’ve fought not only my own battles, but other peoples’ too, and really, how many people would do that? I’m not usually one to brag or gloat or anything, but I’m honestly a pretty damn good guy. I’m strong. I am so strong. I’ve been kickin myself lately, feeling like “oh every other guy out there is better and stronger than me,” but no. They’re not. They can say they are all they want to, but at the end of the day, they’d never make the sacrifices I have. They’d never be the one to lay themselves down on the line to let everyone else walk all over him. Not a chance. I give back to people what I’m given. I’ve just always been that way. What this picture says, to me, is “I am strong, unafraid, courageous, unashamed and proud. Nothing will break me.” And that’s what I love about it. A picture truly is worth a thousand words.
Also: the screen munch thing is because I screenshotted a video to take the pic.. I’m clever. :D