That’s all I do, I just screw things up. Can’t do a DAMN THING right. I even mess crap up with the people that I love. I’m such a freaking idiot. Everything I love is falling apart in front of me and being taken away from me. My hero in this world was taken from me a couple of months ago and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face, it hurts so much. And I lost another close family member right before him. Now my dad’s in the hospital after having open heart surgery and everyone is just fussing at me and pointing out every damn thing I’m doing wrong. I’m not TRYING to screw things up, I just DO. I meant no harm to anyone at all and as usual I feel myself getting knocked down. Ugh, I feel like complete crap right now and it’s ridiculous. I was having a good day, too.

oh well whatever I’m used to it

Just getting some crap off my chest..

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Those moments when you just get randomly depressed. It doesn’t have to have a reason. It doesn’t have to have a cause. It just kinda happens. When you suffer from depression, a lot of the time it just sneaks up on you. And the worst part about it, is that it affects the ones around you, too. That’s one reason why it makes you feel like you have to be alone, cause that way, no one can hurt you and you can’t hurt anyone else. I really know that feeling all too well. I’ve had people try really hard to be my friend or to get me to open up, but lately I just push them away and I don’t give them a chance. I didn’t used to be like that. I used to be so open to new things and I rushed in to everything. Now I’m just..scared. It really isn’t right to be this scared of people. To feel safer being back in your room on your computer or whatever, not involved in any socializing. I really am trying so hard. I’m trying to be strong. I just keep getting more and more angry and depressed every day. I don’t give people chances anymore because I’m too afraid of what might happen. I don’t wanna be like this. The bad thing is, when I do finally cave and let people have a chance, they break my heart or betray me. One minute they’ll say I’m a great person, then the next they never wanna talk to me again, every time. Do you know what that feels like? You let people in, that you think you can trust, and you start to. Then they judge you for it and kick you to the curb, directly after promising you they wouldn’t. I’m just meant to be alone, I guess. At least I’m safer this way.

Stop.

Just stop. You’re not forever alone. As hard as that is to believe, and as hard as it is for someone like me to say, you’re not. You can’t coax through life feeling safe all the time. We have to take risks. We have to break the rules every now and again. Look at me, for example. I’m a country boy but I pale in comparison to most other guys my age and I feel much less than I should, but I don’t let it stop me. People laugh at me, they call me names. I just let them. This past year and a half, I’ve been living emotionless, and now I’m putting it to an end. Ultimately, the person that decides my emotions, is me. All I need to do is put God in my life and the rest will follow suit.

So I’m not too tall (5’8”), I don’t have a six-pack of abs. I barely have any money at all, I drive a truck but it’s not all jacked up and specialized because I can’t afford it to be. I live off of what I can, nature is my best friend. Oh, I’ve heard the flaws. I’ve heard people talk about the many things wrong with me. Let them. I refuse to change myself to fit anyone else’s standards, because I have standards too, and they matter. I’m not some guy that’s after every piece of ass I can find, I don’t even care about that. I hold on to my beliefs and to who I am for a purpose: some day the right girl WILL come along, and she’ll love ME, and not what society turned me into. I’m so poor right now and there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t even afford to go to college for two quarters now because gas is too much and my classes cost too much right now. So needless to say, I’m not very “attractive,” or “desirable.”

Let me tell you something, people. I may not look like much. I may seem like a mistake, and you know what? I am. But I promise you, if you stick with me, I’m the best mistake you’ll ever make. I am always going to stay who I am and I am always going to believe in what I believe. That’s home to me. That’s how I was raised. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t care if anyone sees me different than who I really am, because I know who I am, and God does too.

I need to start loving myself again. You need to love yourself too. We’ve gotta stop playing these little games with people and letting them control OUR emotions. We CAN decide when we’re happy. You just realize that instead of going out and finding happiness, that you already have it. It’s just been waiting for you.

All you need is love, that’s true. But you know where that starts? It’s not with your partner/crush. It’s with your family. THEY are what matters in the end, because no matter what, no one can ever take them away from you. That’s what true love is. Something you never once have to be unsure about. Stop running from home. Stop running from yourself. Stop avoiding the mirror. Stop complaining about how you look.

None of that matters. People say it does because we’ve been tricked and fooled into thinking that we have to look pretty to be beautiful. Don’t let anyone do that to you. You’re perfect the way you are. Even if that person has a lot of enemies. Having enemies means you stood up for something, it’s a life you can hang your hat on. I stand up for what’s right. You’ve got to stand for something, or you’ll fall for everything.

I am me, and that’s all I’ll ever be. Take it or leave it.

I’m so damn lonely. How am I supposed to compare to all these other guys? Every time I think I meet someone special, they throw it in my face. I seriously doubt anyone would miss me if I disappeared. I’m too scared to kill myself (how lame is that?), but I wouldn’t mind if something happened to me anymore. No one appreciates me or the things I do. I guarantee you that.

I know your teenage years are hard, believe me I do. There’s so many new emotions, most of them painful, and you don’t know how to process or handle them. But nothing’s over yet. You all still have a long life to live, don’t give up on any of it. Teenage years are nowhere near the best years of your life. Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m a 22 year old who can’t understand teenagers. But don’t feel that way, because believe me, I know how that felt all too well. Things do get better. And I’m not just speaking to the girls, I’m talking to the guys, too. Sure, call me whipped. Call me a wimp. I don’t care, not one bit. Fear is just not something I let get the better of me, and you shouldn’t either.

I wasted my teenage years chasing after something I never even got. I didn’t move on til I was 19, and I’d started chasing it at 11. Don’t be like that. Don’t be like me. It will make you crazy. And the biggest, most suckish thing, is the amount of regrets you’ll have, and how much you’ll wish you can go back and fix everything. Searching for happiness will get you nowhere, but believing you already have it will give you true solace. Just focus on yourself right now. If you’re a Christian, like myself, then focus on God first.

I’ve had a rough past. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I had my ways of coping. They didn’t always work, but life is a battle that’s never over. Not in this world, at least. You have to keep fighting. Stop thinking about the easy way out. There’s no need to blow out that candle. Someone, somewhere, loves you. Don’t give me that “yeah right” look, either. I was like that. I was the lonely nerd that students and teachers picked on, the guy who couldn’t get a date or even talk to a pretty girl. You have to stop reading the same page over and over again, and move on to the next chapter. You’re not done, not yet. The best is always yet to come. Tomorrow’s a very special day: the first day of the rest of your life. Dream as if you’ll live forever, but don’t live like you’ll die tomorrow. That’s not how it works. Sure, live to the fullest. I highly encourage that. But don’t pretend like you don’t have anymore days after this. That’s depressing.

Just put all your old days behind you. That’s not giving up, it’s starting over. You’re a brand new you, today. Go out and show the world, shout from the mountain tops, that today, is YOUR day. You are not alone. Ever.

Believe it or not I’ve actually found someone who likes me for me. She shows me things like I never knew them to be. Every day and night, she’s all I see. To make it short, she set me free. And that’s the best way to be. Look for the beauty within, okay? The outside doesn’t matter. This body is just a rental. Be yourself, don’t ever change anything about yourself for anyone. If they can’t love you for you, then they are the ones that need to change.

Love is out there. Don’t worry.

I feel so broken, still. God’s love has fixed me in so many ways, but He’s letting me do some of my own, myself. I totally understand that and love Him for it. Just.. this feeling of loneliness. It doesn’t go away. I miss being a kid. Everything was so simple, then. All my close family was still alive. There was no depression, there was no pain in the family. My world has changed so much since then, and so has my heart. Well, what’s left of it.

I just.. meh, I can’t find the spirit. We’ll be lucky to keep the house this year, we’re struggling to pay that, so we won’t have a Christmas this year. Not in the traditional way. It always used to fill me with joy, especially the look on everyone’s faces when they opened theirs. This past year has taken so much away from me. Heck, these past FOUR years have, especially. Every year since 2003 has been a hard battle for me. I lost so much that year. I think that version of me died inside, and I have what’s left.

I’ve tried to love again, and I’ve tried to be close again, but it’s not easy. It was all so sudden, such hard goodbyes that happened so fast.

Oh well, I’ll find the joy again. That’s why it’s good to have God on my side!