You know what sucks?
Those moments when you just get randomly depressed. It doesn’t have to have a reason. It doesn’t have to have a cause. It just kinda happens. When you suffer from depression, a lot of the time it just sneaks up on you. And the worst part about it, is that it affects the ones around you, too. That’s one reason why it makes you feel like you have to be alone, cause that way, no one can hurt you and you can’t hurt anyone else. I really know that feeling all too well. I’ve had people try really hard to be my friend or to get me to open up, but lately I just push them away and I don’t give them a chance. I didn’t used to be like that. I used to be so open to new things and I rushed in to everything. Now I’m just..scared. It really isn’t right to be this scared of people. To feel safer being back in your room on your computer or whatever, not involved in any socializing. I really am trying so hard. I’m trying to be strong. I just keep getting more and more angry and depressed every day. I don’t give people chances anymore because I’m too afraid of what might happen. I don’t wanna be like this. The bad thing is, when I do finally cave and let people have a chance, they break my heart or betray me. One minute they’ll say I’m a great person, then the next they never wanna talk to me again, every time. Do you know what that feels like? You let people in, that you think you can trust, and you start to. Then they judge you for it and kick you to the curb, directly after promising you they wouldn’t. I’m just meant to be alone, I guess. At least I’m safer this way.
Just stop. You’re not forever alone. As hard as that is to believe, and as hard as it is for someone like me to say, you’re not. You can’t coax through life feeling safe all the time. We have to take risks. We have to break the rules every now and again. Look at me, for example. I’m a country boy but I pale in comparison to most other guys my age and I feel much less than I should, but I don’t let it stop me. People laugh at me, they call me names. I just let them. This past year and a half, I’ve been living emotionless, and now I’m putting it to an end. Ultimately, the person that decides my emotions, is me. All I need to do is put God in my life and the rest will follow suit.
So I’m not too tall (5’8”), I don’t have a six-pack of abs. I barely have any money at all, I drive a truck but it’s not all jacked up and specialized because I can’t afford it to be. I live off of what I can, nature is my best friend. Oh, I’ve heard the flaws. I’ve heard people talk about the many things wrong with me. Let them. I refuse to change myself to fit anyone else’s standards, because I have standards too, and they matter. I’m not some guy that’s after every piece of ass I can find, I don’t even care about that. I hold on to my beliefs and to who I am for a purpose: some day the right girl WILL come along, and she’ll love ME, and not what society turned me into. I’m so poor right now and there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t even afford to go to college for two quarters now because gas is too much and my classes cost too much right now. So needless to say, I’m not very “attractive,” or “desirable.”
Let me tell you something, people. I may not look like much. I may seem like a mistake, and you know what? I am. But I promise you, if you stick with me, I’m the best mistake you’ll ever make. I am always going to stay who I am and I am always going to believe in what I believe. That’s home to me. That’s how I was raised. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t care if anyone sees me different than who I really am, because I know who I am, and God does too.
I need to start loving myself again. You need to love yourself too. We’ve gotta stop playing these little games with people and letting them control OUR emotions. We CAN decide when we’re happy. You just realize that instead of going out and finding happiness, that you already have it. It’s just been waiting for you.
All you need is love, that’s true. But you know where that starts? It’s not with your partner/crush. It’s with your family. THEY are what matters in the end, because no matter what, no one can ever take them away from you. That’s what true love is. Something you never once have to be unsure about. Stop running from home. Stop running from yourself. Stop avoiding the mirror. Stop complaining about how you look.
None of that matters. People say it does because we’ve been tricked and fooled into thinking that we have to look pretty to be beautiful. Don’t let anyone do that to you. You’re perfect the way you are. Even if that person has a lot of enemies. Having enemies means you stood up for something, it’s a life you can hang your hat on. I stand up for what’s right. You’ve got to stand for something, or you’ll fall for everything.
I am me, and that’s all I’ll ever be. Take it or leave it.
This blog is purely for asking for advice with problems in your life, primarily depression and things of the like. I will still be using this one, I’ll just be checking my other one now too. So if you ever have any issues, click on the Asketh Away link. I’ll try to answer legitimate questions, anon or not. I understand that some life issues don’t want to be made public so remaining private is totally okay. Rude questions and comments will be ignored and I will not say anything back because I don’t care about that kind of stuff.
So, I hope to see you there. If you ever have any issues or just a simple question, come to me. Also, if you want me to answer privately, say so. I don’t intend to make every post public so that’s not an issue either. If it seems a bit too personal I’ll also keep it private. Otherwise though I answer publicly so other members of my viewing audience can more easily find an answer to what may be bugging them.
I will not make fun of you, and I will not judge you. I don’t do trolling and I don’t say things like “lol dude ur life sux” because that’s just inhumane and immature. Some troll questions I may or may not answer depending on if I find them funny or not, not a lot of them though. One on Yahoo! Answers I saw one time was “Why do I have an arm growing out of my forehead?” and I laughed so hard that I’m pretty sure one of my kidneys came lose.
This blog is meant to be encouraging only. The only depressive stuff I’ll post are just answers to questions that pertain to such things. Don’t ever be afraid to ask me one single thing. If you think it’s too depressing, don’t. I will answer it. I just mean that I’m not going to post those images and quotes that make you feel sad because that has the opposite effect.
So yeah, I’m here. If you ever need anything, let me know.
To the people that need it..
You are not alone. Ever. I know what that feels like, believe me I do. But I never let it consume me. It never destroyed my spirit. We don’t have souls, we are souls; we have a body. And even though these bodies can be tattered and scattered, the inside of us can never be withdrawn. People can be very manipulative, they can brainwash us. I’ve been there too, and I’ve fallen for it. I’ve fallen for many things, very hard. But I ALWAYS get back up. Every time. You CANNOT break me entirely. My faith, my love, my hope, my forgiveness, my courage, and my soul, are all things you can never destroy. God has His protection over me, over everything I have. I’ve lost a lot too, but along the way I’ve gained even more. There’s so much love in my life, in me, and more faith than you can fathom. I yearn to share it with the world, so that they may be forever changed by it.
I’ve met my fair share of people who have tried to break me, and I’ve also met the ones that have only aided in my goal. We all feel depressed, empty-handed, abandoned and forgotten, including me. It’s hard, I’m gonna say that now. True strength is never easy. You can make your soul stronger with faith and love.
I forgive unconditionally, and I love the same. Do those two things in life, and everything becomes beautiful, more-so than it already was.
God is always with you. No matter what you may think.
You are not alone. Ever.
Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel that every passing moment is worthless? I have family, I have friends, I’m about to be in college, soon I’ll be living with my aunt and soon-to-be uncle. A lot of problems in my life are fixed. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like knives are being stuck into my heart?
I feel so alone. No matter how many friends or family are around me, I still feel alone. I try my best to be happy, I really do. Way more than anyone thinks. Maybe I feel this way because I’m so horrible at love, and love is what I base my life around. I’ve always told myself that it’s not me, that these things that happen aren’t my fault. But everything that happens to me is my fault.
I don’t know what to do, or how to get rid of this ache. I feel like even if I did have love, I wouldn’t know what to do. Kinda like a speeding car where the steering wheel doesn’t work, just imagine it with an auto-pilot that glitches up every now and again and wrecks into other cars. Lately I’ve been helping people, and not just my friends. I’ve been searching for strangers who have broken hearts, and just talking to them. I’ve actually made them happier. I made them feel better, because they weren’t alone anymore. How crazy is that? That I can figure out a perfect stranger’s problems, but not my own.
I believe there’s so much light, so much love in me, more than regular people. It’s like a gift, I think. But it doesn’t feel like one sometimes. It’s hard to hold on to your love when all it’s ever been is abused. You tell yourself you can’t do it anymore, that the world would not be able to function without you, so you consider withdrawing so people can see. Or sometimes it’s as simple as “the world would be better without me,” which I’ve been there too. I do believe I’m a good person, but it’s like my life disagrees with me.
I’m not perfect, I make a lot of mistakes. It doesn’t make me a bad person or anything. I just feel like no one really has faith in me anymore. Like, they say they do, but they don’t really mean it. I don’t deserve it. I’m not good enough. I’ve always felt “below” everyone else, especially other males, like I’m the omega of the pack, so-to-speak. I operate more like a lone wolf, I guess. There’s just something that makes me feel.. out of the ordinary, like an outcast. I don’t even know what it is. I just feel like a worthless person.
But the thing is, I know I’m not. It’s just confusing because like, my family and some friends tell me I’m this like, wonderful person. Yet, things come harder for me. So many people tell me about everything wrong with me, about how I’m some like.. clueless person. I don’t know what to think.
I don’t even know why I’m typing this, it’s not like it makes a difference. Just.. ugh, I feel so alone. I know I’m surrounded by love and I appreciate that, but it’s always the same thing. I’m glad I’m so loved, but no one has romantic feelings for me. People tell me it’s not me that’s the problem, but my heart keeps saying it is. This depression or whatever it is just makes me feel worthless and unwanted. I need reassurance to let me know that I’m not either of those, that I’m actually wanted and mean something to someone. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I’ve felt like this my entire life. Like an outcast, like I didn’t matter. I’m very quiet in real life, I keep to myself. I can’t be outgoing because I’m honestly afraid to be. I’ve tried so many times, especially growing up, and every time I was either publicly humiliated or betrayed somehow. I don’t fully trust anyone but my own family. Mike is pretty darn close but he’s earned that like a good friend should, I wish I had more friends like Michael.
I wanna meet a beautiful, take-my-breath-away woman that’s single and loves me for me. Every single time I see a couple kiss, it breaks my heart into a million pieces. It’s like every single heart-break I’ve ever felt coming back together into one compilation repeatedly. I haven’t even had my first kiss yet and I’m 21. I’m always told about that there are great things about me, and it always makes me feel so amazing, but if it’s true, why am I still single?
I’ve put myself out there. I’ve tried really hard. So much so to the point that I’m socially shy.. again. I had my confidence back up and everything, it felt great, but then I realized it was hurting more than it was helping.
Oh well, I know it isn’t me. I’m still gonna love like I’ve never been broken.