A Soul That Wanders

I know your teenage years are hard, believe me I do. There’s so many new emotions, most of them painful, and you don’t know how to process or handle them. But nothing’s over yet. You all still have a long life to live, don’t give up on any of it. Teenage years are nowhere near the best years of your life. Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m a 22 year old who can’t understand teenagers. But don’t feel that way, because believe me, I know how that felt all too well. Things do get better. And I’m not just speaking to the girls, I’m talking to the guys, too. Sure, call me whipped. Call me a wimp. I don’t care, not one bit. Fear is just not something I let get the better of me, and you shouldn’t either.

I wasted my teenage years chasing after something I never even got. I didn’t move on til I was 19, and I’d started chasing it at 11. Don’t be like that. Don’t be like me. It will make you crazy. And the biggest, most suckish thing, is the amount of regrets you’ll have, and how much you’ll wish you can go back and fix everything. Searching for happiness will get you nowhere, but believing you already have it will give you true solace. Just focus on yourself right now. If you’re a Christian, like myself, then focus on God first.

I’ve had a rough past. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I had my ways of coping. They didn’t always work, but life is a battle that’s never over. Not in this world, at least. You have to keep fighting. Stop thinking about the easy way out. There’s no need to blow out that candle. Someone, somewhere, loves you. Don’t give me that “yeah right” look, either. I was like that. I was the lonely nerd that students and teachers picked on, the guy who couldn’t get a date or even talk to a pretty girl. You have to stop reading the same page over and over again, and move on to the next chapter. You’re not done, not yet. The best is always yet to come. Tomorrow’s a very special day: the first day of the rest of your life. Dream as if you’ll live forever, but don’t live like you’ll die tomorrow. That’s not how it works. Sure, live to the fullest. I highly encourage that. But don’t pretend like you don’t have anymore days after this. That’s depressing.

Just put all your old days behind you. That’s not giving up, it’s starting over. You’re a brand new you, today. Go out and show the world, shout from the mountain tops, that today, is YOUR day. You are not alone. Ever.

Believe it or not I’ve actually found someone who likes me for me. She shows me things like I never knew them to be. Every day and night, she’s all I see. To make it short, she set me free. And that’s the best way to be. Look for the beauty within, okay? The outside doesn’t matter. This body is just a rental. Be yourself, don’t ever change anything about yourself for anyone. If they can’t love you for you, then they are the ones that need to change.

Love is out there. Don’t worry.

Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel that every passing moment is worthless? I have family, I have friends, I’m about to be in college, soon I’ll be living with my aunt and soon-to-be uncle. A lot of problems in my life are fixed. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like knives are being stuck into my heart?

I feel so alone. No matter how many friends or family are around me, I still feel alone. I try my best to be happy, I really do. Way more than anyone thinks. Maybe I feel this way because I’m so horrible at love, and love is what I base my life around. I’ve always told myself that it’s not me, that these things that happen aren’t my fault. But everything that happens to me is my fault.

I don’t know what to do, or how to get rid of this ache. I feel like even if I did have love, I wouldn’t know what to do. Kinda like a speeding car where the steering wheel doesn’t work, just imagine it with an auto-pilot that glitches up every now and again and wrecks into other cars. Lately I’ve been helping people, and not just my friends. I’ve been searching for strangers who have broken hearts, and just talking to them. I’ve actually made them happier. I made them feel better, because they weren’t alone anymore. How crazy is that? That I can figure out a perfect stranger’s problems, but not my own.

I believe there’s so much light, so much love in me, more than regular people. It’s like a gift, I think. But it doesn’t feel like one sometimes. It’s hard to hold on to your love when all it’s ever been is abused. You tell yourself you can’t do it anymore, that the world would not be able to function without you, so you consider withdrawing so people can see. Or sometimes it’s as simple as “the world would be better without me,” which I’ve been there too. I do believe I’m a good person, but it’s like my life disagrees with me.

I’m not perfect, I make a lot of mistakes. It doesn’t make me a bad person or anything. I just feel like no one really has faith in me anymore. Like, they say they do, but they don’t really mean it. I don’t deserve it. I’m not good enough. I’ve always felt “below” everyone else, especially other males, like I’m the omega of the pack, so-to-speak. I operate more like a lone wolf, I guess. There’s just something that makes me feel.. out of the ordinary, like an outcast. I don’t even know what it is. I just feel like a worthless person.

But the thing is, I know I’m not. It’s just confusing because like, my family and some friends tell me I’m this like, wonderful person. Yet, things come harder for me. So many people tell me about everything wrong with me, about how I’m some like.. clueless person. I don’t know what to think.