At Relay For Life the other day, I grabbed one of those purple balloons and wrote on it, I don’t remember what exactly but it was for my grandmother who died of Cancer when I was 13. She taught me everything I knew about life, about everything. Once I got done writing I wrote “Love you, from PJ” (Paul Junior) on it, and walked to the stage with everyone else who had the same idea. Only difference was I was the only one that wrote on one. It tried to blow away before I got there but when the string came loose I somehow caught it without popping it.
We eventually got to let them go, and mine, without the string, moved farther and faster than the rest. I couldn’t even find it in the jumbled section of balloons in the sky. I felt this strange form of release. It was really relaxing. My eyes were watering up but I wiped them away before they had a chance to fall.
I was with this woman (I called her Nanny) and my grandfather (Papa) more than my own parents. Papa’s still alive and well, I wish I was a better person for him. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. No matter who breaks my heart or betrays me, they can’t hurt me that much, because that was a love that was seen all the way through. She may have died, but the love never will. And that’s what keeps me strong, because no one can ever take that away from me. No matter how hard they try.
Yeah, I STILL cry, almost nine years later. I don’t cry often, but when I do, I let it flow, like a huge rainstorm. Mostly by myself, though. It still hurts so much, because it wasn’t fair. Everything was fine and then one day, that disease took everything away from me.
Cancer don’t discriminate, or care if you’re just 38. You’re afraid and they are too, but you’re never alone, I promise you. You can do it. Just love them through it.