My family has been having so many financial troubles, me included, and today I just got a little ray of hope. I was talking to my supervisor and asking about next quarter, inquiring about the possibilities of acquiring more hours, and she said yes, I could. I’m so excited about that! I get paid $10 an hour, so even just ONE more hour would be amazing! I’m so happy. I was worried that, since things have been going kind of slow, that they might get rid of me or something but today she told me that they plan on keeping me as long as possible, even after I graduate. I’m so happy about that. Normally I work from 4 to 5 on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 8 weeks, but this summer (due to finances and budget cuts) I and the other tutors got our hours cut horrendously, so for summer I only work Tuesdays from 4 to 5, and only for five weeks. So that means I only work five days this entire quarter and my total paycheck will be $50. But if everything goes as Mrs. Sleeth plans, I’ll be making at least twice as much as normal.
So this whole bein single thing ain’t too shabby, gotta say. Yeah, it gets a little lonely sometimes, and every so often, all of the pain from before just kinda slaps me in the face. But it’s kinda nice to be doin my own thing and worryin about nobody but moi. It’s kinda cool, I have my own bachelor pad and everything. I can look at and flirt with girls anywhere, any time, and I don’t have to answer to anybody about it. I get to “shop around” a little bit. I’m also learning that there’s more to life than relationships, and that you can try as hard as you can to fight for something you believe in, but if it’s not fighting for you, then there’s nothing you can do, and it’s not your fault. People have done me wrong, they’ve done me so wrong, and I never have understood why they get away with it. But I’m learning to just step back from everything and have fun. I’ve always been the kind to be spontaneous and do random things that I know I’ll end up regretting later.
My days mostly consist of these varying thought processes:
- oh I can fix that, how hard can it be
- whoa hey she’s cute, whas up girl
- there’s nothin I can’t take apart and put back together
- where the hell did all my ratchets go
- Papa you were my hero and I wanna aspire to be just like you
- yeah sure I’ll help you lift that / clean that up
- God is my rock.
My family and friends are closer to me than they’ve ever been, and that’s exactly what I need right now. People like to lean on other people, and say that those people are their “rock,” well, you can only trust people for what they are…and all they are is people. Everybody has a dark side. The fight is just to see how long until that point is reached. For me, GOD is MY rock, because He won’t let me down, He never has. I keep going through all these impossible situations. I’m more than just strong, I’m a survivor. The only reason I’ve been able to get back up is because of God. I’m bipolar, OCD, dyslexic, ADHD, and I have anxiety attacks, but I enjoy every minute of it (except for the anxiety), because I’ve learned to control it. People with problems like mine, they face so much ridicule, and they have such a hard struggle. I read a book about Leonardo Da Vinci when I was a teenager, about 17, and it really changed my world. He went through some of the exact same things that I did / am, and look at how great he was / is. People with problems like mine usually get those problems as a byproduct for having such an expansive, ever-growing mind. I’m gifted, and while that makes life harder, I know that it’s my responsibility, and that I owe it to the people in my life to use it properly.
I was given a big heart for a reason. There’s nothing I won’t forgive somebody for. There’s nothing I won’t apologize for when I know I’m wrong, and sometimes, even when I’m not. So many people say you shouldn’t hold on to your past, and that’s true. You should learn to move on. But what happens when that past sneaks up on you and rears its ugly head? You can’t turn away from that. You have to be prepared. I relive my past every day. I see it in my head. I’m prepared for those kinds of things. The true way to overcome something is to fight it, not shove it under the carpet. If you don’t, it will keep coming back. Trust me. I have honestly never said anything more true than that. I would know, believe me. All of the problems I faced during puberty and as a teenager, I kept shoving them away, only to encounter them years later. Instead, the last time, I learned to fight it. I overcame it through God. I stopped fearing it. I stopped letting it control me. I took charge of the situation. I became who I am. And who I am, is someone to be proud of.
This whole bein me thing gets really hard sometimes, and I won’t lie about that. Sometimes I feel very alone, and it’s really tough to be the strong, supporting guy of the family, because sometimes, all I wanna do is break down and cry. There are times when I actually do, usually when I’m alone at my house, or I see or hear something on the radio or TV that reminds me of Papa, that’s all it takes. I’m a very sensitive guy, and I’ve honestly always felt like a wuss for it. But I’m not a wuss. I embrace my emotions. I fight them head on. It’s harder for me than it is for most people, because for about three years, I basically didn’t have any. I’ve had a lot of catching up to do, and a lot of growing up, too. People look at me they just see somebody that either blends in like camouflage, or stands out like a sore thumb. If I had to pick which one I’d wanna be, though, I’d pick the latter, because some day, I’m gonna make a difference, and when I do, I want my name to be remembered.
I’m not perfect, folks. I make mistakes, and I make them frequently. I have some of the worst luck anyone could imagine, and there aren’t a whole lot of things I’m good at. But one thing I never do is I never try to avoid a situation. I’ve always been the one to face it head on. I don’t believe in walking away from a fight. I don’t believe in not standing up for yourself, or for someone else, especially someone who can’t. I don’t believe in going to bed angry, because you never know what can happen during the night, and it’s just not healthy to be angry at someone you care so much about for another ~8 hours. That’s just a bunch of wasted time. Because when you look back one day, you’re gonna realize that you wasted so much time fighting, and you’re gonna wish that you could’ve had more time, when in fact, you could’ve. Just resolve things when they happen. Don’t push them under the carpet. That being said, however, I do understand the concept of ‘space,’ but understand it for what it is, and don’t make it into something it’s not. Don’t make it into an ace to pull out of the hole whenever you’re upset, or want to avoid something. Only do that when you genuinely need time alone to think and get your head and heart right. Not to go off gallivanting around and forget all about your partner, or possibly cheat on them or something. Think about them, talk to them, but don’t leave them alone with their thoughts. That’s the most dangerous thing you could ever do to somebody, and to your relationship.
Yeah, I know, I look like a nerd to a lot of folks. But I’m a muscular, nature-loving nerd, too. I go outside, I play ball, I do carpentry, I work on automobiles sometimes myself, I know how to use a ratchet and a socket, or a hammer and a nail, etc, you get the point. I can do yardwork, I have a dog (okay more like two dogs but still), I love being outside, I HATE being cooped up inside (although that’s more claustrophobia than anything else, to be fair). I know how to throw a football and man oh man, do I EVER have one hell of a throw on me, that is one thing I’m confident about. One time I was shootin hoops up the road with a boy from down in the cul-de-sac and I guess I threw the ball too hard and knocked the goal over. That boy would tell everyone, every time he saw me, “that man’s got a hell of a swing on him, don’t piss him off,” and it actually helped me out a lot.
I have such a mass appreciation for life, for anything that requires tender, loving care. Plants, animals, people, relationships, anything that, if not tended to, will die. Sometimes, though, with plants and relationships, I tend to them a little too much, and some, not enough. It’s a learning process, and I’m a work in progress. Sometimes I hate being me. I hate the pain and the anger that I constantly feel. But then I remember what I’ve bested, what I’ve gone through, no one else I’ve met could ever fight the demons that I’ve had to, and survived. I did. Barely, but I did. These past few months really almost did me in… I was cutting it close, so to speak. But I’m happy to be here. I’m not gonna let girls define who I am anymore. I’m just gonna be me. If that’s not attractive or desirable, then oh well, I don’t care anymore. I’d rather be paired with nobody at all than to be stuck with somebody who couldn’t possibly know what love truly is. I’ve helped people find love. I’ve healed broken people. I’ve saved people from suicide. I’ve been there for my enemies and consoled them when they needed me to. I’ve done a lot in my life, and I’m only 23.
What will you do with your life? What kind of differences will you make? Stop living life on the sidelines. We weren’t born to follow. Get up off your weak knees, and start leading with a heart of gold. Be somebody. Dare to be different. Stand up for your own ideals, not somebody else’s. Love others, but love yourself, too. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When somebody messes up, forgive them, even if they don’t ask for it. Everyone told me I shouldn’t forgive someone in my life that hurt me very badly recently, and they all say I should just forget about her and leave her behind in my past, but I can’t do that. I made her a promise. And as much as she hurt me, she did ask for forgiveness. Believe me, sometimes I wish I could just be the type of guy to walk away for good, to say “I’m done,” and actually mean it. I want so bad to put all of that crap behind me. But if I do that, then it will only come back to bite me in the butt later. I face my demons every day. Most people only face them once, and then get destroyed by them later. You have to use your heart to keep your demons at bay, and never turn your back on them. Don’t feed them, don’t nurture them. Fight them, and one day, maybe even love them. Face it, without your demons that you’ve had to fight, you wouldn’t be who you are today. I’m not saying embrace them, and you should definitely love God more than anyone or anything, I’m just saying, have appreciation for the hardships in your life. Be the kind of person to walk right up to your enemies and say, “Hey, thank you for the lesson you taught me, I’ve overcome it, and I’m happier now because of it.” I’ve done it before. I’ve gone right up to girls and people that have hurt me, knowing I would get hurt, only to thank them or to see how they’re doing. I walk through Hell’s fire only to burn myself more, but it keeps me strong. It keeps me focused. I have to be.
Guys, I’m not an idiot, I know I’m screwed up. I know that a girl actually loving me or even liking me is next to impossible. I have way too many problems, and way too many faults. But I am who I am for a reason, and even if I wanted to, I can’t change that. So right now, I’m embracing who I am. I’m not fighting it back anymore. My heart is a wild beast inside of a fragile cage, but I’m learning to keep it behind bars. There is such a thing as trying too hard, as loving someone too much, as giving someone too many chances, as trusting somebody way too much, and as being way too nice to somebody. So if no girl wants me, and I know none do, then fine. Yeah it sucks and it hurts and all that jazz, but I can’t force something to happen that just isn’t going to. I can only hope that one day, when a girl picks up my story, she does more than read the cover. I want her to at least leave a bookmark.
So those are my thoughts of the night. Just had to get those out there.