Honestly, Jean leaving me was one of the best things that could’ve happened to me. If she hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met Megan, and I’d be missing out on something and someone wonderful. She makes me so happy, and I really hope I make her happy too. She’s going through some stuff right now but she’s still nothing less than amazing and incredible. I want her to know that. And I want her to know that even though she needs to take time and explore her options, I’ll wait for her. And I’ll always be right here by her side.
Give her a shoutout and check out her blog:
Trust me, she’s worth every second.
I MADE AN 80 ON MY POETRY ESSAY!!!! YES!!!!
The reason my truck isn’t huge?
Because I don’t have to make up for anything ;)
Just stop. You’re not forever alone. As hard as that is to believe, and as hard as it is for someone like me to say, you’re not. You can’t coax through life feeling safe all the time. We have to take risks. We have to break the rules every now and again. Look at me, for example. I’m a country boy but I pale in comparison to most other guys my age and I feel much less than I should, but I don’t let it stop me. People laugh at me, they call me names. I just let them. This past year and a half, I’ve been living emotionless, and now I’m putting it to an end. Ultimately, the person that decides my emotions, is me. All I need to do is put God in my life and the rest will follow suit.
So I’m not too tall (5’8”), I don’t have a six-pack of abs. I barely have any money at all, I drive a truck but it’s not all jacked up and specialized because I can’t afford it to be. I live off of what I can, nature is my best friend. Oh, I’ve heard the flaws. I’ve heard people talk about the many things wrong with me. Let them. I refuse to change myself to fit anyone else’s standards, because I have standards too, and they matter. I’m not some guy that’s after every piece of ass I can find, I don’t even care about that. I hold on to my beliefs and to who I am for a purpose: some day the right girl WILL come along, and she’ll love ME, and not what society turned me into. I’m so poor right now and there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t even afford to go to college for two quarters now because gas is too much and my classes cost too much right now. So needless to say, I’m not very “attractive,” or “desirable.”
Let me tell you something, people. I may not look like much. I may seem like a mistake, and you know what? I am. But I promise you, if you stick with me, I’m the best mistake you’ll ever make. I am always going to stay who I am and I am always going to believe in what I believe. That’s home to me. That’s how I was raised. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t care if anyone sees me different than who I really am, because I know who I am, and God does too.
I need to start loving myself again. You need to love yourself too. We’ve gotta stop playing these little games with people and letting them control OUR emotions. We CAN decide when we’re happy. You just realize that instead of going out and finding happiness, that you already have it. It’s just been waiting for you.
All you need is love, that’s true. But you know where that starts? It’s not with your partner/crush. It’s with your family. THEY are what matters in the end, because no matter what, no one can ever take them away from you. That’s what true love is. Something you never once have to be unsure about. Stop running from home. Stop running from yourself. Stop avoiding the mirror. Stop complaining about how you look.
None of that matters. People say it does because we’ve been tricked and fooled into thinking that we have to look pretty to be beautiful. Don’t let anyone do that to you. You’re perfect the way you are. Even if that person has a lot of enemies. Having enemies means you stood up for something, it’s a life you can hang your hat on. I stand up for what’s right. You’ve got to stand for something, or you’ll fall for everything.
I am me, and that’s all I’ll ever be. Take it or leave it.
For all who miss someone or are hurting..
I know your teenage years are hard, believe me I do. There’s so many new emotions, most of them painful, and you don’t know how to process or handle them. But nothing’s over yet. You all still have a long life to live, don’t give up on any of it. Teenage years are nowhere near the best years of your life. Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m a 22 year old who can’t understand teenagers. But don’t feel that way, because believe me, I know how that felt all too well. Things do get better. And I’m not just speaking to the girls, I’m talking to the guys, too. Sure, call me whipped. Call me a wimp. I don’t care, not one bit. Fear is just not something I let get the better of me, and you shouldn’t either.
I wasted my teenage years chasing after something I never even got. I didn’t move on til I was 19, and I’d started chasing it at 11. Don’t be like that. Don’t be like me. It will make you crazy. And the biggest, most suckish thing, is the amount of regrets you’ll have, and how much you’ll wish you can go back and fix everything. Searching for happiness will get you nowhere, but believing you already have it will give you true solace. Just focus on yourself right now. If you’re a Christian, like myself, then focus on God first.
I’ve had a rough past. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I had my ways of coping. They didn’t always work, but life is a battle that’s never over. Not in this world, at least. You have to keep fighting. Stop thinking about the easy way out. There’s no need to blow out that candle. Someone, somewhere, loves you. Don’t give me that “yeah right” look, either. I was like that. I was the lonely nerd that students and teachers picked on, the guy who couldn’t get a date or even talk to a pretty girl. You have to stop reading the same page over and over again, and move on to the next chapter. You’re not done, not yet. The best is always yet to come. Tomorrow’s a very special day: the first day of the rest of your life. Dream as if you’ll live forever, but don’t live like you’ll die tomorrow. That’s not how it works. Sure, live to the fullest. I highly encourage that. But don’t pretend like you don’t have anymore days after this. That’s depressing.
Just put all your old days behind you. That’s not giving up, it’s starting over. You’re a brand new you, today. Go out and show the world, shout from the mountain tops, that today, is YOUR day. You are not alone. Ever.
Believe it or not I’ve actually found someone who likes me for me. She shows me things like I never knew them to be. Every day and night, she’s all I see. To make it short, she set me free. And that’s the best way to be. Look for the beauty within, okay? The outside doesn’t matter. This body is just a rental. Be yourself, don’t ever change anything about yourself for anyone. If they can’t love you for you, then they are the ones that need to change.
Love is out there. Don’t worry.
You Can’t Break Me
You can try all you want. I don’t care how hard you try. I will always be me. I will always be unbreakable. My heart is not a toy and I’m sick of people playing with it. You cannot make me stop believing. You cannot make me stop loving. You cannot take away my forgiveness. You cannot take away my faith. I am devoted to what I love. And I love what I’m devoted to.
I’m not your average, every-day human, no sir. I have God on my side, and so much love and protection surrounding me. I have supernatural protection. I will do anything in my power to make things right. And if it’s not in my power, I talk to God about it. He does not let me down.
So go ahead, shake me, break me. You can’t.
I’m not that nerdy kid that everyone made fun of anymore. No, now I’m a man, and I will spread the goodness and light throughout the world.
Where are you, Christmas?
I feel so broken, still. God’s love has fixed me in so many ways, but He’s letting me do some of my own, myself. I totally understand that and love Him for it. Just.. this feeling of loneliness. It doesn’t go away. I miss being a kid. Everything was so simple, then. All my close family was still alive. There was no depression, there was no pain in the family. My world has changed so much since then, and so has my heart. Well, what’s left of it.
I just.. meh, I can’t find the spirit. We’ll be lucky to keep the house this year, we’re struggling to pay that, so we won’t have a Christmas this year. Not in the traditional way. It always used to fill me with joy, especially the look on everyone’s faces when they opened theirs. This past year has taken so much away from me. Heck, these past FOUR years have, especially. Every year since 2003 has been a hard battle for me. I lost so much that year. I think that version of me died inside, and I have what’s left.
I’ve tried to love again, and I’ve tried to be close again, but it’s not easy. It was all so sudden, such hard goodbyes that happened so fast.
Oh well, I’ll find the joy again. That’s why it’s good to have God on my side!