I’m taken :)

The reason my truck isn’t huge?

Because I don’t have to make up for anything ;)

Stop.

Just stop. You’re not forever alone. As hard as that is to believe, and as hard as it is for someone like me to say, you’re not. You can’t coax through life feeling safe all the time. We have to take risks. We have to break the rules every now and again. Look at me, for example. I’m a country boy but I pale in comparison to most other guys my age and I feel much less than I should, but I don’t let it stop me. People laugh at me, they call me names. I just let them. This past year and a half, I’ve been living emotionless, and now I’m putting it to an end. Ultimately, the person that decides my emotions, is me. All I need to do is put God in my life and the rest will follow suit.

So I’m not too tall (5’8”), I don’t have a six-pack of abs. I barely have any money at all, I drive a truck but it’s not all jacked up and specialized because I can’t afford it to be. I live off of what I can, nature is my best friend. Oh, I’ve heard the flaws. I’ve heard people talk about the many things wrong with me. Let them. I refuse to change myself to fit anyone else’s standards, because I have standards too, and they matter. I’m not some guy that’s after every piece of ass I can find, I don’t even care about that. I hold on to my beliefs and to who I am for a purpose: some day the right girl WILL come along, and she’ll love ME, and not what society turned me into. I’m so poor right now and there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t even afford to go to college for two quarters now because gas is too much and my classes cost too much right now. So needless to say, I’m not very “attractive,” or “desirable.”

Let me tell you something, people. I may not look like much. I may seem like a mistake, and you know what? I am. But I promise you, if you stick with me, I’m the best mistake you’ll ever make. I am always going to stay who I am and I am always going to believe in what I believe. That’s home to me. That’s how I was raised. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t care if anyone sees me different than who I really am, because I know who I am, and God does too.

I need to start loving myself again. You need to love yourself too. We’ve gotta stop playing these little games with people and letting them control OUR emotions. We CAN decide when we’re happy. You just realize that instead of going out and finding happiness, that you already have it. It’s just been waiting for you.

All you need is love, that’s true. But you know where that starts? It’s not with your partner/crush. It’s with your family. THEY are what matters in the end, because no matter what, no one can ever take them away from you. That’s what true love is. Something you never once have to be unsure about. Stop running from home. Stop running from yourself. Stop avoiding the mirror. Stop complaining about how you look.

None of that matters. People say it does because we’ve been tricked and fooled into thinking that we have to look pretty to be beautiful. Don’t let anyone do that to you. You’re perfect the way you are. Even if that person has a lot of enemies. Having enemies means you stood up for something, it’s a life you can hang your hat on. I stand up for what’s right. You’ve got to stand for something, or you’ll fall for everything.

I am me, and that’s all I’ll ever be. Take it or leave it.

I know your teenage years are hard, believe me I do. There’s so many new emotions, most of them painful, and you don’t know how to process or handle them. But nothing’s over yet. You all still have a long life to live, don’t give up on any of it. Teenage years are nowhere near the best years of your life. Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m a 22 year old who can’t understand teenagers. But don’t feel that way, because believe me, I know how that felt all too well. Things do get better. And I’m not just speaking to the girls, I’m talking to the guys, too. Sure, call me whipped. Call me a wimp. I don’t care, not one bit. Fear is just not something I let get the better of me, and you shouldn’t either.

I wasted my teenage years chasing after something I never even got. I didn’t move on til I was 19, and I’d started chasing it at 11. Don’t be like that. Don’t be like me. It will make you crazy. And the biggest, most suckish thing, is the amount of regrets you’ll have, and how much you’ll wish you can go back and fix everything. Searching for happiness will get you nowhere, but believing you already have it will give you true solace. Just focus on yourself right now. If you’re a Christian, like myself, then focus on God first.

I’ve had a rough past. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I had my ways of coping. They didn’t always work, but life is a battle that’s never over. Not in this world, at least. You have to keep fighting. Stop thinking about the easy way out. There’s no need to blow out that candle. Someone, somewhere, loves you. Don’t give me that “yeah right” look, either. I was like that. I was the lonely nerd that students and teachers picked on, the guy who couldn’t get a date or even talk to a pretty girl. You have to stop reading the same page over and over again, and move on to the next chapter. You’re not done, not yet. The best is always yet to come. Tomorrow’s a very special day: the first day of the rest of your life. Dream as if you’ll live forever, but don’t live like you’ll die tomorrow. That’s not how it works. Sure, live to the fullest. I highly encourage that. But don’t pretend like you don’t have anymore days after this. That’s depressing.

Just put all your old days behind you. That’s not giving up, it’s starting over. You’re a brand new you, today. Go out and show the world, shout from the mountain tops, that today, is YOUR day. You are not alone. Ever.

Believe it or not I’ve actually found someone who likes me for me. She shows me things like I never knew them to be. Every day and night, she’s all I see. To make it short, she set me free. And that’s the best way to be. Look for the beauty within, okay? The outside doesn’t matter. This body is just a rental. Be yourself, don’t ever change anything about yourself for anyone. If they can’t love you for you, then they are the ones that need to change.

Love is out there. Don’t worry.

You can try all you want. I don’t care how hard you try. I will always be me. I will always be unbreakable. My heart is not a toy and I’m sick of people playing with it. You cannot make me stop believing. You cannot make me stop loving. You cannot take away my forgiveness. You cannot take away my faith. I am devoted to what I love. And I love what I’m devoted to.

I’m not your average, every-day human, no sir. I have God on my side, and so much love and protection surrounding me. I have supernatural protection. I will do anything in my power to make things right. And if it’s not in my power, I talk to God about it. He does not let me down.

So go ahead, shake me, break me. You can’t.

I’m not that nerdy kid that everyone made fun of anymore. No, now I’m a man, and I will spread the goodness and light throughout the world.

I feel so broken, still. God’s love has fixed me in so many ways, but He’s letting me do some of my own, myself. I totally understand that and love Him for it. Just.. this feeling of loneliness. It doesn’t go away. I miss being a kid. Everything was so simple, then. All my close family was still alive. There was no depression, there was no pain in the family. My world has changed so much since then, and so has my heart. Well, what’s left of it.

I just.. meh, I can’t find the spirit. We’ll be lucky to keep the house this year, we’re struggling to pay that, so we won’t have a Christmas this year. Not in the traditional way. It always used to fill me with joy, especially the look on everyone’s faces when they opened theirs. This past year has taken so much away from me. Heck, these past FOUR years have, especially. Every year since 2003 has been a hard battle for me. I lost so much that year. I think that version of me died inside, and I have what’s left.

I’ve tried to love again, and I’ve tried to be close again, but it’s not easy. It was all so sudden, such hard goodbyes that happened so fast.

Oh well, I’ll find the joy again. That’s why it’s good to have God on my side!

Digging through my journals on dA and I found this, I posted it earlier in the year:

Lately my heart hasn’t been where it’s needed to be, but I don’t regret it. The kind of person I am is strong, courageous, proud, dedicated and extremely caring. I’ve spent so much time helping others, and feeling like no one helps me, to the point that I didn’t realize something: that same “healing power” I use on others, I can use on myself. I’m not meant to have people bring me back up, because then I’d stop fighting, and I already have a little bit. People depend on me, and I can’t let myself seem weak. With me, it’s just that when I get wounded, I automatically (as if it were a reflex) retreat down into my own little hole and try to, for lack of a better word, nurse my wounds. I get knocked down sometimes, or rather I just let myself fall. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a great drive, though. I’m highly motivated in anything that I pursue, no matter how big or “crazy” it may seem. I’m very open with people, and that honestly is a weakness. Too much comfort can be a bad thing, you know. The funny thing is, I’m actually uncomfortable with getting close to people because I just feel insecure. At the same time, though, I always want to right every wrong and make as many people happy as possible. That’s another thing that’s important to me: people. Bringing people together and seeing wonderful friendships unfold is one of the most beautiful sights to behold. At times I can seem to have a huge ego and, well, it’s true. However, it’s that same “huge ego” that keeps me inspired and motivated, and I’m not just gonna give that up. A lot of the time I feel abandoned, mostly because people don’t seem to help me in return, like I said. Despite that, however, no matter what the cost or how angry I may get, whenever something goes wrong that’s all I care about, I’m nurturing. There have been many, many people that have told me I have influenced their lives for the better, people’s lives that I’ve touched. Getting told that is like.. wow. It’s one of the greatest honors ever. There have been depressed teenagers that found solace in just talking to someone older that would actually listen to them, and give them the time of day. After all, isn’t that what we all want? At the end of the day, it’s not about money or power. It all came from a greater desire, such as love or that longing to have someone see something in you. The way you use it is what defines the outcome. Faith is the most powerful weapon you could have, you really can do anything. I’ve had my heart broken many times but I still walk on as if nothing happened; I don’t fear love, I embrace it, even the pain. Love is a fire and you can’t walk into it without expecting to get burned. I’m very proud of who I am and how I turned out inside, despite the small, petty struggles that bother us all. Everything I do, I do to help. I could never be this way without God, though. He’s the master mind behind everything that I do. I have so, so many angels looking out for me today, and I know that parts of this are them speaking. My heart is incredibly strong, and though it may break, once I put it back together, I’m even stronger than I was before. Every pain makes you stronger, and makes you able to endure more. How else will you move on in life? Sometimes it’s best to walk away, and others it’s best to fight for your passion. It’s knowing the difference and applying them correctly that fits your philosophy. I have been so, so blessed to have this many wonderful people in my life that are here for me, and every single one of them means something to me. Every single soul out there has a dream, a purpose for being put here. It’s not achieving those dreams that make us who we are, but the fight to get to them. Everyone needs a dream, no matter how big or small. Once we reach that dream, we create another. Humanity isn’t all bad, there’s a deeper meaning behind everything. That said, don’t let the wrong people influence you or your life. Always be sure to stay yourself, stick to what you want. Love isn’t about staying, it’s about running away together. If someone feels the need to run away, make sure you do so with them. Sometimes certain people run just to see who cares enough to follow, and just being told the right words or influenced in the right direction can be the difference between life and death, at times. We’re all out here living our lives, and we all make mistakes. If it weren’t for mistakes, though, where would the laughter and the soul be? Every day we get caught up in our own lives, and most of us don’t pause to think about those who need us more. You never know, that poor little girl on the side of the road could be your guardian angel. Letting your soul connect to someone else is what matters the most, not that you succeeded in what you wanted. True success is defined by helping someone else succeed. Success in our own, materialistic world does not matter, it’s all an illusion. Some people have called me insane, and you know what? I am. It’s called being yourself, but knowing what your path is. Everyone finds that eventually. I am very, very healthy, and I have so much endless inspiration for so many things. What matters the most, though, are the people. It’s not about how I changed their lives, it’s about how their smiles changed mine. Most of us, we just spend time looking down at our shoes, instead of up at the endless universe of stars. Yeah, that’s right—endless. That’s nature’s proof that your dreams and creations have no limits. I haven’t had a true love yet, but that’s okay, because that’s what I sacrificed in order to help others. Everything I do is out of love or desire, and it’s a reflex action. I care more about other peoples’ feelings than I do my own. That would explain why mine are so out of whack. You know something, though? I’m glad I’ve felt everything I have. I’ve felt such a wide range of emotions, so many different combinations, types of feelings that not many people at all get to feel. Emotionally, I’m richer than just about anyone I know. I am of course still young, and I have a lot to learn, but we all do, the learning process never stops. Don’t ever be afraid to let someone in, because they could be your ticket to a better life. I’ve already experienced this, and I hope this person knows just how special and important they really are to me. Thing is, though, it’s not just one person. Everyone in my life has contributed in some way, and if it weren’t for my loving, caring family, who knows where I’d be? Of course I get angry, nobody’s perfect. I jump through my emotions very quickly and I feel them twice more than normal people would. However, that means that so is my love for people, and that must be why I function the way I do. I grew up being dependent on others, it’s just how I was. I’ve learned not to be like that, because then you only get difficult situations and relationships thrown your way, and that’s not me being negative, it’s just a fact of life. I’ve felt like I’ve faced more emotional challenges than normal people would and, maybe I have. Once again, though, it’s all made me stronger. I love bringing people together and just helping them out. I’m happiest when the ones I love are happy too. I have been saved by the same hearts that I’ve touched, and for me, that’s what’s Savin’ Me.