Don’t worry, this isn’t an angry rant or anything. Just getting thoughts out, it’s safe to read, I promise.
I want everything back so bad. The way we got on Skype every night and always had something to do was great. We were a playful couple, and we were best friends. That’s the best kinda relationship to have. I literally thought that what she and I had was perfect. She was my idea of a perfect girlfriend. Everything we did together was great, and we constantly had these like, little “play-fights” every night that I usually instigated. And I would always pick on her for something silly or mess with her about something cause I thought it was funny and it was cute to see her reactions, made me love her more. It was so adorable when she got mad at something, too. The way her face flared up and the lightning that struck in her eyes was just beautiful to me.
I could never stay mad at her, even today. My head’s real confused and I’m still devastated from what happened but maybe things will change one day. I don’t know, I hope so though. I want it back, so bad. That week that I was up there was the best of my life, and everything felt so amazing. I’m the biggest idiot in the world to mess up such a great relationship like that. Ugh, I screw up everything. This whole time I’ve been having the attitude of “poor me,” but hell, it probably was my fault, I’m pretty sure I did something wrong again. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.
I’ve been in love before, but not like this. I had never been so sure of someone in my entire life. I felt like that even before that week that I went up there, before we even did anything like that together. I loved her because she was seriously my idea of a perfect wife. We had one of those fun relationships, but we knew how to be serious. I guess I should’ve been more serious, though. Maybe if I’d have paid more attention to her, she’d have stuck around. Maybe if I’d have said I-love-you first, or I-love-you-too a lot sooner, things may have been different. But no, me and my stupid pride, decided it was best to wait a while.
There are so many guys out there that are like, twice my size, and that have way more to offer than I do. I’m physically active, but mostly I’m just an introvert because of how people have treated me, and trust me, this doesn’t help. There is nothing physically attractive about me. I’m just a nerd and a loser. That’s how I’ve felt all my life, and honestly it was starting to change, but now, pfft, it’s confirmed it. If she can leave me, then anybody can. I was trying to be sweet to a girl I had a crush on and that girl just didn’t want anything to do with me at all anymore. So things are back to exactly how they used to be.
There’s nothing I want more out of life than love, and there’s no one I want it with, more than Jean. That will never change. Even if I do fall in love again with someone else (which I doubt I’m even capable of now), it won’t feel the same. I think of her every day, and everything reminds me of her. There’s nothing that doesn’t somehow go back to her, cause I made her a part of every part of my life.
And I miss her. Dearly.
I am the biggest screw-up in the history of guys everywhere. I mess everything up. I let my emotions take me over and I just explode. What I said on here the other day was horrible and I really, really regret saying it. If I hadn’t have said all of that then well maybe she’d still be telling me that she loves me every day, and maybe she’d be happy to talk to me again. I deserve everything I’m getting right now, though. Jean doll the only reason I posted that stuff was because I wanted you to beg me to come back. That’s the only reason I did that, and I hate admitting it. I hate admitting that cause I’m so ashamed of it. And yeah I was mad, really mad, but I didn’t mean any of it babe. Jean baby you were and are my one and only, honey. I don’t want anybody else. I don’t NEED anybody else. Yeah okay, maybe I COULD find someone else if I wanted to..but I don’t want to. I don’t wanna have what I had with you with anybody else. All I’ll ever see is you, all I’ll ever taste is you.
You’re an addiction, Jean, and I’ve never been good at fighting my addictions, you know that. When you need someone to cry to, please come to me. When you have a demon on your shoulder, please call me and we’ll pray together, I don’t care what time it is. And I’m really, really sorry that I made you feel tied down, baby. I really didn’t mean to, I swear to God. I probably should’ve moved slower, and I should’ve put more of my time into you. I mean I thought about it, and I didn’t try this hard when we were together. I just wanna say, though, if we ever do get back together, I will keep trying this hard. I won’t ever stop. I always just kinda took you for granted and that was stupid because I can’t just assume that you’ll always be there. I should’ve told you I loved you more, and I should’ve been so much better to you. My friends are idiots anyways and half the time they aren’t there for me, but you always were. Now I don’t have either one and I’m so sorry. It was all my fault.
You’ve got a chain on your heart right now and I don’t have the key anymore. That’s what really hurts. If there’s anything, anything at all, that I can do to make you want me again, I’ll do it. I don’t even care what it is. For what it’s worth, though, I don’t regret what we did. I don’t regret letting you seeing me bare, both in flesh and in soul. The passion I had (and, by the way, still have) for you was and is pure and so powerful that I just can’t let it go. It’s really weird because when we first started dating, I didn’t wanna feel tied down. I didn’t wanna feel caged. But I stuck around and I’m really glad I did. Given the chance, I’d do it all over again, even if it ended up just like this, cause those six months with you were great. I lost a some special and important people so yeah I was upset babe, but you had nothing to do with it. I just…deal with things in my own, effed up way.
Every part of you is wonderful to me and I can say that because I’ve seen every part of you. And with everything we did together when I was up there, I still think the best part was when we just laid down and fell asleep cuddling. I’ve always, always wanted that. And you know what’s really weird is I always told myself, before I met you, that if I had a long relationship, I’d be happy I had one, even if it ended. I just can’t do that with you. I’m sorry but I really can’t let you go. I want you to be free and be happy but it just hurts too much. Yeah I’m being selfish and stupid, I seem to be doing that a lot lately, but I AM sorry and I DO love you, sooooo much. I do wanna get back together, I will ALWAYS take you back. And again, the only reason I even said all that crap before was because I wanted you to beg for me to come back. It was a stupid, idiotic mistake full of arrogance and rash thinking. I’m sorry.
I REALLY miss you randomly telling me you love me. Once again it’s something else I took for granted. I’ve been such a dick and I’m so sorry. There are so many things I would do differently if I could do things over. I’d control my temper, I’d talk to you more, I’d spend more time with you, I’d tell you how much I love you more, and I’d make you an even bigger part of my life than what I had before. I’d find new and interesting things for us to do and I’d be so much more spontaneous.
I had a lot of firsts with you.. and I don’t regret them. They felt good, yeah, I mean DAMN they felt good, but the passion I felt between us was even better. I know you need to be single right now but I’m just terrified of some other, better-looking guy that’s ten times better than me coming along and you falling for him instead. That is literally my biggest fear right now. I’ve been trying so hard for you, and I honestly am probably going to KEEP trying. It’s not something that I can just…turn off. You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me in my life ever. And I’m really sorry that I’m not “physically there” for you, but I wish I was.
And heck, even when I WAS up there, I messed up. I could’ve been so much better. It felt so much like home to me that I just let myself get too comfortable. I should’ve helped out around the house, and I definitely should NOT have asked you to go to sleep those nights when we were…er, loving. I should’ve asked you to stay there all night long. I was just so afraid of getting caught and then getting us both in trouble. Looking back now though I really, really wish I spent those entire nights with you. I think the latest we stayed up was like 2:30 A.M. or something, but that wasn’t anywhere near late enough, honestly. I would’ve loved on you all night long if I wasn’t so afraid. I always let fear dictate my decisions and it messes things up.
I’m not gonna lie, I have a lot of pride. I’m a very dominant person and I don’t like feeling boxed in or imprisoned. It always gets in the way. My foolish pride always gets the better of me. And I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
I know you don’t wanna be in a relationship right now. You wanna get your life figured out and situated, I understand that. But honestly what I miss having is what we had before I exploded. It was a closeness that somehow was just extraordinary and amazing. I could still feel that you loved me and I didn’t have to question it…even though I did. I just want you to know, that anything I say or do, is always, always to win you back somehow, or to just show you how much I love you.
I’ll be honest, I don’t really understand what you’re going through, and I’m sorry. I’m slow and I’m an idiot. I want to, though. I really want you to talk to me and tell me about what’s been going on. And Jean honey I just want you back. I want you to be happy with me again but I know that isn’t going to just magically happen. You’re so special to me, and those months that we had together were just so magical. That’s what I miss: those times that we spent together.
I’m really sorry, Jeannie. I hope that you can forgive me and maybe even one day give me another chance.
I don’t get why I’m so depressed all the time, lately. I haven’t been this depressed in months. It’s like I have no energy for anything and no will to try. It sucks. I have so many freaking problems; there’s so much wrong with me. -_-
And I have dumbasses like Aaron bugging the shit out of me. Some stupid, 15-year-old brat keeps telling me he wants to talk to me about the fact that he doesn’t like me, and keeps coming back over and over, telling me “I’m not gonna come back until you do.” Fuck you. I just blocked his ass, I don’t give a damn. I’m so sick of people treating me like that, man. It’s ridiculous. Today’s generation is full of idiots and sluts and I refuse to be a part of any bit of it. If you want to talk to me, be polite about it. Don’t be an asshole. That just makes me want to ignore you. I don’t listen to children, I listen to adults, and even then, only smart ones.
Anyway, I’m just so tired of feeling so.. messed up all the time. I lose everything I love and I hate it. For once, I’d like to hold on to something that actually means something to me. And for once, I’d like for people to NOT get pissed at ME when I fight back at someone who started shit with me. I’m not a “let’s talk it over” kinda guy. Fuck that. If you screw with me, you pay the price. Case closed. Now if you come back to me being polite, and apologizing, then I’ll give you a chance. But being an asshole to me and acting controlling will only make the situation worse for you.
I’m a very forgiving person. All of my friends say I forgive way too much, and way too easy, but that’s just who I am. Whereas, everyone else, says I don’t forgive enough, or easy enough. It’s all about the context, people. If you come to me with an attitude or acting like you’re the best thing since sliced damn bread, I’m not gonna give you the time of day. I’m way too busy for that bullshit. All I want is someone saying “sorry” to me after whatever it is that caused the dispute, and I’m good. Or just talk to me about your feelings, I don’t care. Just ask me “Hey, can we talk?” or something. I don’t care if it’s formal or not, just damn, be polite. It’s not that damn complicated, seriously.
And I have a right to my opinion. Just because it’s what you believe doesn’t make it automatically true. I hate people like that. I mean, seriously, you have people out there talking to Christians and stuff about “being open to today’s society!” and bullshit like that, but when it comes to OUR way of thinking, we’re WRONG? That doesn’t add up for shit. If you’re open and diverse (barf, btw), then that INCLUDES US.
Ugh. I just don’t get why, ever since I was a kid, I’ve felt inadequate and unworthy of life in general. Like, I just don’t trust myself, or even love myself. I feel like I’m a mistake, and I always have. I’m not asking for attention folks, honest to God I’m not. But I’ve just always felt like this and I don’t know why. Like everyone else is just so much better than me. I feel threatened for no reason. I just wanna be happy, but every time I am, it goes away.
I guess I thought you’d be here forever
Another illusion I chose to create
You don’t know what ya got until it’s gone
And I found out a little too late
I was acting as if you were lucky to have me
Doin’ you a favor I hardly knew you were there
But then you were gone and it all was wrong
Had no idea how much I cared
Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I don’t want to
Being without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
It’s the hardest thing to take
I’m addicted to ya babe
You’re a hard habit to break
Me and my stupid feelings.
Just getting some crap off my chest..
You know what sucks?
Those moments when you just get randomly depressed. It doesn’t have to have a reason. It doesn’t have to have a cause. It just kinda happens. When you suffer from depression, a lot of the time it just sneaks up on you. And the worst part about it, is that it affects the ones around you, too. That’s one reason why it makes you feel like you have to be alone, cause that way, no one can hurt you and you can’t hurt anyone else. I really know that feeling all too well. I’ve had people try really hard to be my friend or to get me to open up, but lately I just push them away and I don’t give them a chance. I didn’t used to be like that. I used to be so open to new things and I rushed in to everything. Now I’m just..scared. It really isn’t right to be this scared of people. To feel safer being back in your room on your computer or whatever, not involved in any socializing. I really am trying so hard. I’m trying to be strong. I just keep getting more and more angry and depressed every day. I don’t give people chances anymore because I’m too afraid of what might happen. I don’t wanna be like this. The bad thing is, when I do finally cave and let people have a chance, they break my heart or betray me. One minute they’ll say I’m a great person, then the next they never wanna talk to me again, every time. Do you know what that feels like? You let people in, that you think you can trust, and you start to. Then they judge you for it and kick you to the curb, directly after promising you they wouldn’t. I’m just meant to be alone, I guess. At least I’m safer this way.
I Wish I Could
Every day I see something about a brother hating his sister. About him wanting her to die. But he doesn’t realize what he’s saying. He doesn’t know just how special that girl is. To have someone in your family, another you, someone you know you can trust, a best friend you’ll always have. It’s always the “annoying” things that I wish I would’ve had the most. Going to say it was time for dinner, helping them when they’re sick, spending time with them, letting them know every day how much I love them. To most people that sounds like an every day routine, and I suppose for those people, it is. But not a lot of people do it. This world has been deprived of love in a lot of cases.
No one knows what I would’ve given just to even meet my sister. Just once. She was coming over to help me. From another country, she was pregnant, and worried about me. My dad was keeping it a surprise. Why? Because my entire life up until I was 11, I really wanted a sister, and hated being alone. Before she left for her way over, my parents explained to me, that I had a sister. I was beyond excited. There WAS someone in my family other than me.
I don’t know what was on that truck driver’s mind. I don’t know why he chose that particular day, that particular road. Maybe it was a broken heart. Maybe he just had an addiction and doesn’t deserve any form of forgiveness. I haven’t forgave him still today.
I don’t drink alcohol. Every time I look down a bottle or a glass, I’m reminded of that day. The day I got told that my sister and her unborn baby were killed in a car accident. By a drunk driver.
Don’t ever drink and drive. You never know what you’re destroying.
Just stop. You’re not forever alone. As hard as that is to believe, and as hard as it is for someone like me to say, you’re not. You can’t coax through life feeling safe all the time. We have to take risks. We have to break the rules every now and again. Look at me, for example. I’m a country boy but I pale in comparison to most other guys my age and I feel much less than I should, but I don’t let it stop me. People laugh at me, they call me names. I just let them. This past year and a half, I’ve been living emotionless, and now I’m putting it to an end. Ultimately, the person that decides my emotions, is me. All I need to do is put God in my life and the rest will follow suit.
So I’m not too tall (5’8”), I don’t have a six-pack of abs. I barely have any money at all, I drive a truck but it’s not all jacked up and specialized because I can’t afford it to be. I live off of what I can, nature is my best friend. Oh, I’ve heard the flaws. I’ve heard people talk about the many things wrong with me. Let them. I refuse to change myself to fit anyone else’s standards, because I have standards too, and they matter. I’m not some guy that’s after every piece of ass I can find, I don’t even care about that. I hold on to my beliefs and to who I am for a purpose: some day the right girl WILL come along, and she’ll love ME, and not what society turned me into. I’m so poor right now and there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t even afford to go to college for two quarters now because gas is too much and my classes cost too much right now. So needless to say, I’m not very “attractive,” or “desirable.”
Let me tell you something, people. I may not look like much. I may seem like a mistake, and you know what? I am. But I promise you, if you stick with me, I’m the best mistake you’ll ever make. I am always going to stay who I am and I am always going to believe in what I believe. That’s home to me. That’s how I was raised. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t care if anyone sees me different than who I really am, because I know who I am, and God does too.
I need to start loving myself again. You need to love yourself too. We’ve gotta stop playing these little games with people and letting them control OUR emotions. We CAN decide when we’re happy. You just realize that instead of going out and finding happiness, that you already have it. It’s just been waiting for you.
All you need is love, that’s true. But you know where that starts? It’s not with your partner/crush. It’s with your family. THEY are what matters in the end, because no matter what, no one can ever take them away from you. That’s what true love is. Something you never once have to be unsure about. Stop running from home. Stop running from yourself. Stop avoiding the mirror. Stop complaining about how you look.
None of that matters. People say it does because we’ve been tricked and fooled into thinking that we have to look pretty to be beautiful. Don’t let anyone do that to you. You’re perfect the way you are. Even if that person has a lot of enemies. Having enemies means you stood up for something, it’s a life you can hang your hat on. I stand up for what’s right. You’ve got to stand for something, or you’ll fall for everything.
I am me, and that’s all I’ll ever be. Take it or leave it.