A Soul That Wanders

Those moments when you just get randomly depressed. It doesn’t have to have a reason. It doesn’t have to have a cause. It just kinda happens. When you suffer from depression, a lot of the time it just sneaks up on you. And the worst part about it, is that it affects the ones around you, too. That’s one reason why it makes you feel like you have to be alone, cause that way, no one can hurt you and you can’t hurt anyone else. I really know that feeling all too well. I’ve had people try really hard to be my friend or to get me to open up, but lately I just push them away and I don’t give them a chance. I didn’t used to be like that. I used to be so open to new things and I rushed in to everything. Now I’m just..scared. It really isn’t right to be this scared of people. To feel safer being back in your room on your computer or whatever, not involved in any socializing. I really am trying so hard. I’m trying to be strong. I just keep getting more and more angry and depressed every day. I don’t give people chances anymore because I’m too afraid of what might happen. I don’t wanna be like this. The bad thing is, when I do finally cave and let people have a chance, they break my heart or betray me. One minute they’ll say I’m a great person, then the next they never wanna talk to me again, every time. Do you know what that feels like? You let people in, that you think you can trust, and you start to. Then they judge you for it and kick you to the curb, directly after promising you they wouldn’t. I’m just meant to be alone, I guess. At least I’m safer this way.

I feel so broken, still. God’s love has fixed me in so many ways, but He’s letting me do some of my own, myself. I totally understand that and love Him for it. Just.. this feeling of loneliness. It doesn’t go away. I miss being a kid. Everything was so simple, then. All my close family was still alive. There was no depression, there was no pain in the family. My world has changed so much since then, and so has my heart. Well, what’s left of it.

I just.. meh, I can’t find the spirit. We’ll be lucky to keep the house this year, we’re struggling to pay that, so we won’t have a Christmas this year. Not in the traditional way. It always used to fill me with joy, especially the look on everyone’s faces when they opened theirs. This past year has taken so much away from me. Heck, these past FOUR years have, especially. Every year since 2003 has been a hard battle for me. I lost so much that year. I think that version of me died inside, and I have what’s left.

I’ve tried to love again, and I’ve tried to be close again, but it’s not easy. It was all so sudden, such hard goodbyes that happened so fast.

Oh well, I’ll find the joy again. That’s why it’s good to have God on my side!